Walking Spirit

Speaking of fear (reference to last weeks post) walking during this time of year can be downright scary! Luckily we haven't had a lot of snow in Indiana this year, but we have had our share of ice. Obviously these two conditions make walking difficult for all of us.

I'll admit that before the accident I didn't really worry about snow and ice. When I was in high school Mark Hatfield and I would go backpacking in Michigan every spring break. Inevitably, after several days of hiking, we would wake up to discover that our campsite had been covered in snow during the night! We would then turn back towards the cabin that had been our starting point. The forest is extremely beautiful when covered by a blanket of snow, but it can also be treacherous.

We rarely used existing trails, preferring to blaze our own paths through the wilderness. This, of course, meant that when that snow covered morning finally arrived we would have to deal with all sorts of obstacles. Snow drifts, fallen trees that we used for bridges were now ice covered, and hidden ponds, creeks, or other obstacles under the snow and ice. There were numerous slips, trips, and falls as we trudged our way back to the welcoming warmth of the cabin. (Of course, in those days, it was just another adventure for us, and one of the funniest things was to watch your friend fall face first into a snow bank with a 60 pound backpack on his back!)

Now the snow and ice is almost like an invisible prison to me. I don't like using my wheelchair in public. I prefer to walk whenever possible, and when the weather turns bad it deters me from leaving the house. Aside from the fact that I don't like using the wheelchair, there are complications to using it in the winter weather. The snow gets caked onto the wheels and, once I'm inside, it can create a rather large puddle which is especially embarrassing in a restaurant or other public place. Also, the wheelchair can easily get stuck in the snow, or on a patch of ice, which is very frustrating.

Walking certainly eliminates those issues, but if there's snow or ice in the mix it also increases the chance that I'll fall and potentially injure myself. The answer is that I have to be very careful. I take baby steps and I tend to keep my left leg straight the entire time, as opposed to using the knee on that leg and walking with a normal gait. This gives me a greater degree of stability. It also takes a lot longer for me to get where I'm going, but that's better than falling.

The other issues, of course, is managing the crutches. My balance has improved tremendously over the past six months, but I still need the crutches when I walk for both balance, and weight transfer. I have to be very careful with them on snow and ice. If one crutch starts to slide I have to transfer my weight off that crutch quickly, or else I'll go with it. Of course, I run the risk of the other crutch sliding as well, so I generally try to transfer more of my weight to my legs and only a little to the opposite crutch. It's a lot to think about while trying to move at the same time.

Once I've gotten inside I also have to worry about the floor. If it's tile, or some other hard surface, I have to be sure that the ends of my crutches are dry. There have been many times when, after a stressful walk from the car to a building, I've relaxed and almost bit it because my crutch was wet and slipped on the floor. (That's also an issue any time it rains.) I haven't fallen because I try not to take many risks and I'm extremely careful when I have to walk in an uncertain situation.

I have to admit that this time of year is difficult for me. Last week we had a fair amount of snow on the ground. On one hand I allowed it to deter me from leaving the house, which was aggravating. On the other hand, it made me nostalgic for those days hiking through the snow in Michigan, which became fairly depressing. Oh how I miss being able to go wherever I want, whenever I want, and not having to worry about the conditions I'm walking in!

There are so many reminders during this time of year of the things I can't do that it can get overwhelming. This is a part of my new reality. Accepting that there are things that I could do in the past that I simply cannot do as easily (or at all) anymore. Accepting those things doesn't really make it any easier, but it allows me to get through the disappointment faster. Once I've let go of those things I'm able to focus on more positive or productive things, and leave the moment of disappointment/depression behind me.